Notice: I've taken a part-time job, and it's definitely affecting my blogging time. I'll continue to add content here as often as possible.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Best Reason to Seek Help in an Abusive Relationship


man hitting woman
We often look at abusive relationships and wonder why the abused party did not seek help until some dangerous crisis point was reached. Often it is a wife who is physically or emotionally abused. In many cases, no one even knew what was happening until she snapped and became violent towards her partner. Perhaps she internalized the problem until she killed her children and herself, seeing no other way out.

Christians who are subjected to abuse or wrongdoing are often the least likely to try to get help to change things. A friend of mine recently had to combat her entire family in the "right-ness" (righteousness) of taking a man to court who had stolen over $800 from her. Her Christian family insisted that she should "turn the other cheek," as it says in Matthew 5:39, "But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also."

Women are particularly likely to put up with a life of bad treatment. Some Christian men still think that their gender gives them the right to hold absolute power over a woman, and enforce this with physical or emotional violence. Christian women may live with this for years, trying desperately to be an obedient wife. Or perhaps they are so fearful of retribution that they cannot reach out for help.

Many people who do seek aid, counsel, or just plain leave the relationship do so for the wrong reasons. In fact, I'd say that almost all people who strive to change their unloved, subservient or abused position are doing this for the wrong reason.

What? Why should anyone put up with being hurt? Get out of there, or get help. Yes... I'm not saying that a person should tolerate being abused. However, abused people almost always base their actions on the premise of "I deserve better than this," or "This marriage/relationship is over because the love we used to have is gone."

The problem for the Christian is that the highest goal of a marriage is not to find love and security for ourselves, but to honor and please God. Many abused Christian women do realize this, and so they stay with their partners, allowing the abuse to continue because they say to themselves (or are being told), "God wants me to honor Him by being obedient to my husband."

This person has taken a correct first step in asking herself, "What will make God happy?" But she has come up with an incorrect response by thinking that it will make God happy for her to submit to the (sinful) will of their spouse. She correctly realizes that her own happiness is not the primary goal, but she also incorrectly thinks that she is making her spouse (and God) "happy" by allowing abuse to continue. Abusers just escalate, it is impossible to make them happy.

Injustice never makes God happy. People who can turn the other cheek are well-adjusted, balanced Christians who can absorb some of the world's nastiness and return good for evil. No human can do this indefinitely. (In theory, a perfect follower of Christ's example could, but real life is grittier.)

What would make God happy is for a marriage to be a picture of his relationship with the church- that of a bridegroom and a bride. A person who is being abused needs to realize that God does not want the abuser to act that way, and that what will make God happy is to aid that person in getting help. This can involve separation, counseling, perhaps even legal action. It should involve a continuing commitment to the abuser.

None of this is easy, but a Christian must seek to end an abusive relationship for the right reasons.

2 comments:

Shauni said...

This was an excellent post. I am a Christian woman who managed to get involved in an abusive marriage.. it was gradual and took years but one day I had to walk.. the hitting had just begun and I knew if I stayed not only would I die.. but I would be teaching my children the wrong message. It was a hard decision and yet I know I was blessed..

I do know that while ending a relationship is hard, especially when one is strong in the Christian faith.. if you don't rush to another one, you are not betraying anything..

Just a thought... Thank you so much for the fantastic post

DorothyL Lafrinere said...

Abuse is such a personal and private imprisonment that it makes it almost impossible for the victim to realize that they must make it public in order to survive it. It is vital for victims to understand that they are in fact the victim and not the abuser. Abuse is wrong, it is that simple. No-one invites abuse, contrary to what abusers accuse their victims of doing~
Excellent information~